Anniversary

Today is my one year anniversary of being on Trim HealthyMama.

I haven't done it right all year. I haven't done it perfectly at all. But I have made some significant changes in my life, which I intend to be permanent.

Trim Healthy Mama is not a diet. It is a way of life. Eating the THM way is diabetic friendly, because the basic premise is to keep the blood sugar even and the metabolism burning. Weight loss is a natural effect of eating the THM way, if the two basic fuels (carbs and fat) are consumed independently of one another, with enough time between them for the body to burn that fuel for energy.

I'm not a dietician, doctor, medical professional, or expert in any way, so everything I understand about THM is straight out of the book. All I know is that I have lost weight. I have become stronger. I have been freed from my addiction to food.

I am considered to be a turtle loser, meaning I lose weight very slowly. Sometimes it's discouraging because I see tons of stories of people who lose a lot of weight in much shorter periods of time. Apparently that's not my journey, so I have chosen to embrace the way my body responds to being a THM.

In November I began working with a personal trainer. At my size, that may sound a little enthusiastic, but this has been an enormous benefit to me in so many ways. Obviously, I'm stronger. I have more energy; I'm gaining muscle mass and losing inches. *and I've regained the ability to do some things I haven't been able to do in quite a while.

I've got some basic goals. I say I don't have a target weight I'm shooting for, but I kind of have a number tucked back in my brain. I was 180 pounds when I got married, and that's the number I have in my phone fitness app.

Right now, I'm nowhere close. Today I weighed 274.4.

As far as keeping a blog regularly, I would think it would get boring for the reader. I'm not that entertaining, lol. But for my own sake, I will be blogging occasionally, keeping track of my food intake, and monitoring my weight loss progression.

Don't get all excited.

This morning I was up at 5am, dressed in my bathing suit, armed with a bowl of oatmeal, and out the door by 5:18.

I am not a morning person.

The problem is that I am inherently lazy and want my evenings to relax. Just being real. I'm gone all day and the evening is my time to unwind, make dinner, chill in front of the TV, and basically not have to do anything or be anywhere. Now that I'm spending two evenings per week with a trainer, three days of the weekend with my college student, and (should be) going to choir one evening, there just isn't much down time to be home.

I need to get enough cardio time in there, somewhere, so I signed back up at the local YMCA. Yes, this is the same Y that got paid last year through September, although I didn't ever go. Don't judge. I will find time to get my cardio in.

To that end, I packed my things last night, set out my bathing suit, and determined to get. out. the. door.

Go me.

Breakfast of oatmeal made with maple flavor, molasses, stevia, and egg whites was my first fuel, and I consumed it on my way.

I swam laps for about 25 minutes, showered, and went to work.

At 8:00 I had second breakfast of sausage muffins.

I've been working on a good girl moonshine all morning, but I'm only about halfway through it. I think I made it too strong. Note to self: four packets of lemon might be enough...

Dinner will be a pork tenderloin and bacon fried green beans, because.... bacon, y'all.

Sufficient

This morning I was on my way out the door, talking to God as I headed to work. I was telling Him just how disgusted I have been with myself, knowing that I still struggle every. day. with the same issue. Basically, I was telling Him that I didn't understand how He could keep on forgiving me and extending grace to me, when I keep falling flat on my face, bowing to my own selfish desires. How can He love me enough to never tire of me confessing the same sin?
I spent time praising Him for being the kind of God whose thoughts are beyond my own, but still feeling very unworthy.

Then I turned on my audio book of the Bible I listen to on my way to work. Gregory Peck picked up where we had left off the last time, which was in II Corintians chapter 12.

Now, I want you to know that I am not faithful in my quiet time, and it may be a cop-out for me to listen to the Bible on audio book, but it's just how I spend some of my morning commutes. It has been a while since I have turned it on, and I have drifted away from my dedication to it. It should come as no surprise that I have lost steam in the battle of my weight loss.

Coincidence? I think not.

Meanwhile, chapter 12...

Paul's writing is usually pretty much over my head, but there are bits that jump out at me, such as this morning's passage. Paul was talking about how he didn't want people to think of him more highly than they ought, and explaining how he had a "thorn in the flesh" that he had prayed three times for God to remove from him. He doesn't tell what that thorn is, whether it be some physical ailment, or spiritual struggle, or even a straight-up sin that he was troubled by. It obviously doesn't matter, in the eternal scheme of things, because what matters is the response he received from the Lord.

9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

 

Let me tell you, friends, this came to me this morning, just like a tangible hug from the Father. I immediately burst into tears. You know: the ugly cry.  And laughter bubbled up through it all. My weakness is where God is glorified! He takes pleasure in being the only One who can forgive me and extend grace when I fall flat on my face. He is never surprised or disappointed. He is never disgusted by me being human. I think He must be sad as He waits for me to look back up from my mess and cry out for Him, but His love is always right there waiting.

Resurrection

I am resurrecting this blog for a brief moment, because I have had something brewing in my heart for a while and I think I'm ready to share.
I loved blogging, when I was a blogger, but my life has significantly changed, and I haven't taken the time to prioritize it. So I don't promise that I am "back," though I would like to keep this open, so I can go back and read it now and again. And if it inspires anyone, in the process, well, that's okay, too.

I can't remember where I left off, because I have purposely not refreshed my memory of where I was three years ago, before writing the things God is currently doing in my life. So I'm going to start this post as a beginning, although it is far from being that.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have never been happy with my body. It has taken some years to come to the understanding that very few people are. (Imagine that!) We all have something about ourselves that we would like to change. But this post isn't about that.

This post is about the bondage of addiction.

This post is about the sin of pride and selfishness.

This post is specifically about the sin of gluttony.

I have known for a long time that something was wrong in my brain, with regard to food. That part of your brain that tells you after three to six Oreos that you are done, just doesn't work in my brain. I don't know why. If I eat an Oreo, when it is gone, I want another. Then another. Then another.

You can see why this would be a problem.

I am a binge eater. I have been a secret binge eater for all of my life, that I can remember. Even as a child.

I have been shamed, loved, cajoled, threatened, encouraged, and even bribed to lose weight, throughout my life. Some things worked; some did not. But the constant running theme was "you are not good enough." I know the theme was more likely "you are worth more than this," but it didn't feel like it. It felt like shame and disappointment. And judgment.

Many times I broke from the cancer of the sin holding me down, only to be pulled back into bondage to it. Like a cigarette smoker, I quit nearly every day, only to pick it up the next morning.

Then God put someone in my life who called me out. She held me accountable for my choices and didn't let me go on feeding myself the lies sandwiched between the chocolate cookies. I have had other people encourage me and try to hold me accountable, but I hid from them, not willing to be real for any length of time.

Sin hates the truth.

But this lady reminded me of something. I am a child of the God of the universe, and I am precious enough to die for! God isn't interested in me trying. He is interested in me shining His light, in whatever way He wants me to, at that very moment.

He has the power to bring life from death, even in me! In fact, I am told to die to myself, that Christ can live in me. That's a really hard concept to grasp, without an eternal perspective. In this world of instant gratification and super sized meals and streaming everything-ness, we don't know how to play the long game. We don't know how to run the race, much less run it well. We are filled with self-importance and a me-mentality, not having any idea what it means to bring glory to God and consider others above ourselves.

The thing that God has constantly been bringing to mind recently is liberty in Christ. I have been doing a program called the 21 Day Fix for a while now. It is pretty much just clean eating, as I understand it. No processed foods, no processed sugar, just lots of fruits, veggies, lean protein, limited seeds and nuts, and LOTS of water. It is so. much. food. But it is restrictive, in that I don't eat like I used to.

I choose not to live in the "can't have" mentality, but rather the "I don't live there" mentality. I don't know it that makes sense, but it does to me. I started off telling myself that I wasn't eating banana pudding today, but that didn't mean there would never be banana pudding in my future. It was my way of coping with the loss of my precious banana pudding. But as I have gone along, I have come to the understanding that if banana pudding doesn't ever happen for me again, it's okay. Why would I want anything that could potentially kill me?

Please hear me. There is nothing wrong with banana pudding.

There is something wrong with me.

I am addicted to banana pudding.

And Oreo cookies.

And Hostess Donettes.

You get my point, I hope.

But when I got on my knees before the Lord and confessed my sin and selfishness, begging for freedom from the chains of my addiction, another friend happened to mention this 21 Day thing. I looked it up and immediately was filled with hope and excitement. Here was a plan that fed me more than enough, so I would never feel hungry. Here was a plan that would re-train my body to eat to live, rather than live to eat. Here was a plan that would break my addiction to sugar and caffeine.

Just when I needed it, God showed up. This was not a coincidence.

Every day I have to choose to believe it and live in the freedom provided by a loving God.

I can choose to feel like I can't have the banana pudding, or I can choose to feel like I am free from the bondage to banana pudding.  It is my choice.

Today I choose freedom.

It has been hard. I have cried. I have fallen off the wagon. I have been strong in the Lord. I have cheated. I have been encouraged to keep on swimming. But through it all, the theme has been the same.

God is stronger than my addiction.

He is stronger than the chains of gluttony.

He is stronger than sin.

He is stronger than....

Everything.

The Epic Battle

Yesterday during Sunday school, I was having a tough time. We are beginning a study on Hosea, which is a book about a prophet who was instructed by God to marry a prostitute, then forgive her repeatedly when she returned to prostitution time and again. It's a picture of God and His bride (at the time, the children of Israel) and how she constantly turns from His love and returns to idolatry. The story shows how God continues to pursue His love even when she is a total screw up.

Seriously, people. I can't make this stuff up.

Right now I feel like I am in an epic battle to remain constantly bowed to the will of the Lord. It requires an unspeakable amount of focus. Isaiah 26:3 says, Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. When I am keeping my mind on God, I have perfect peace. When Peter was focused on Jesus, he could walk on water, but the second he took his eyes off the Lord, he was sunk.

Just like that, when I am pouring my focus on following God's will for everything I put in my mouth, I have the strength to make wise choices. HIS strength. Last night my focus slipped from the Lord to the box of Nilla Wafers by my side. And I sunk. Yes, I can have Nilla Wafers. But I can't have the whole box dunked in two glasses of milk! I seriously felt ill!

But back to the tough time in Sunday school. Sometimes I feel that Christians are too blase about their personal idolatry. I know that I have been. We like to brush over the big picture and not pay too much attention to the small stuff. We have been taught to not sweat the small stuff. But Jesus died to set us free from the small and the big stuff! The big stuff is MADE of small stuff. I didn't get this bound up in food and self worship in large, sweeping, general ways. I made little choices at a time until it became a BIG problem.

I feel broken when I am sinning. I weep when I confess my whoredom to the Lord. I am in AWE of His mercy and love.

So why, since I know I am not alone in this epic battle to bow my will to God's, do I feel like so many Christians just don't get it? We need to be real with our struggles and hold each other accountable. We need to know how to pray for one another, and sincerely DO IT.

The Mirror

I had a good laugh with the Lord this morning. Actually, it began with tears, then swelled into laughter as I realized what I was saying to Him.

Recently I posted on my facebook page something about how awesome it is that whatever I am trying to teach my children always coincides with what God is teaching me. Those weren't the exact words, but it was close. So yesterday Hailey and I had a typical altercation, wherin I told her to do something and she came back with all the reasons why she didn't need to do it. As you can expect, it escalated into a fight. She even went so far as to accuse me of picking the fight. I turned it right back on her. I told her that I did not accept responsibility for the friction between us, because I have been training her for fourteen years to just OBEY, and if she had just done THAT, there would have been no fight at all.

Fast forward to today. As I was in the shower pouring my heart out to the Lord, I broke down in tears and confessed my sin of disobedience. I wasn't at all obedient over the weekend. Oh, I stayed within my points, but that isn't the, er... point. I did not eat right at lunch yesterday. I did all the things I know better than to do. I ate standing up. I ate too quickly. I ate right over the food, as if I were a dog, who had to guard the food bowl, lest another dog get any of it. I ate a second helping, even though I heard God clearly tell me to put it down. But I had all the excuses flying in my head and I exercised zero self-control.

So this morning I got up with a resolve to do better. To BE better.

Who am I kidding?

I have all the resolve of an Olympic athlete to work out in the morning, as I lie in my bed at night. Then the morning comes and I have a headache. Or a hip ache. Or my foot feels like it's broken.

So I excuse myself.

The same thing goes for eating. I resolve to eat healthy portions. I plan just what I will eat. Then I fix my plate, and my portion looks pitiful, so I super-size it. I have no strength to say no to my mouth.

Meanwhile, in the shower, I was confessing these things to God, and telling Him I have no strength to make right choices, asking for His supernatural strength, reminding Him of His promises, and praising Him that He is a promise keeper. Just then I said these words, "Please give me the strength to just obey instead of arguing with You." And it hit me. I burst out laughing!

God made me her mother. God knew that I needed her to remind me of who I am. He loved me enough to give me a perfect mirror of myself to raise, so I would hear His voice.

He is so amazing!

The Song of Moses

Last night was our community Thanksgiving service. The message was a blast of light upon the freedom I have been granted in Christ, and today I want to SING it! I want to SHOUT it!

Whoa, Nellie! Let me back up and explain myself.

I have seen very close friends struggle with what looked (to me) like devastating circumstances. Lost children, lost jobs, lost homes, lost marriages, etc. And I have been amazed at how they have gone through these terrible things and still relied on the Lord. I've never actually admitted this, but deep, WAY deep down inside I've been a TINY bit jealous that God trusted them enough to allow them to be tested so severely, just to show His love, power, and mercy. Please don't misunderstand me. I NEVER would want my loved ones to go through these painful things. But they have. And God has been glorified in their lives.

I haven't seen the devastation they have. I have two beautiful, healthy children. My husband is still with me and he doesn't just love me, he adores me. He still thinks I'm beautiful, even at 294.4 pounds. I live in a nice house with two fabulous dogs and drive a decent vehicle. I attend a beautiful, God honoring church with my entire family and sing in the choir, even enjoying the opportunity to sing with our praise team occasionally.

I have it made.

How can God be glorified in that?

But I HAVE been tested! I HAVE been trusted with circumstances that God can be glorified in!
This IS it! God has allowed me to bow to my own desires until I am so entangled in this slavery that it will be OBVIOUS that freedom in only through Him! Just like He allowed His children of Israel to be held captive by Egypt so He could display His might and mighty love, he has allowed me to be held captive by my own love of sugar. This sounds terrible to the world, because of the lie that we are to be self-made success stories. But it isn't terrible at all! I am the one who has made selfish choices, but God is not surprised by this. He knew all along that He could and WOULD be glorified through me. He promised to save me from my bondage when I gave up and obeyed.

So now that I am free, I want to SING!!!

15 Then sang Moses and the children of Israel this song unto the Lord, and spake, saying, I will sing unto the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.

² The Lord is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.
³ The Lord is a man of war: the Lord is his name.
⁴ Pharaoh's chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea: his chosen captains also are drowned in the Red sea.
⁵ The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone.
⁶ Thy right hand, O Lord, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O Lord, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.
⁷ And in the greatness of thine excellency thou hast overthrown them that rose up against thee: thou sentest forth thy wrath, which consumed them as stubble.
⁸ And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together, the floods stood upright as an heap, and the depths were congealed in the heart of the sea.
⁹ The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.
¹⁰ Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters.
¹¹ Who is like unto thee, O Lord, among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?
¹² Thou stretchedst out thy right hand, the earth swallowed them.
¹³ Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation.
¹⁴ The people shall hear, and be afraid: sorrow shall take hold on the inhabitants of Palestina.
¹⁵ Then the dukes of Edom shall be amazed; the mighty men of Moab, trembling shall take hold upon them; all the inhabitants of Canaan shall melt away.
¹⁶ Fear and dread shall fall upon them; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O Lord, till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.
¹⁷ Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thine inheritance, in the place, O Lord, which thou hast made for thee to dwell in, in the Sanctuary, O Lord, which thy hands have established.
¹⁸ The Lord shall reign for ever and ever.

Surrender

When I went to the gym this morning, it was with every intention of going inside. But as I drove Hailey to school this morning, my body protested.

I was tired.

So tired I could barely keep my eyes open.

But I went in.

I told God I was here out of obedience, and that I knew He would be faithful, so I would be, too.

My exercise playlist, which is all upbeat, high-tempo songs, shuffles, so I never know exactly what to expect to fill my ears. But I accidentally put it on the wrong playlist. I put it on my travel list, which is a little less vigorous.

This was not a coincidence.

Here I was, trying to find my rhythm, when Barlow Girl comes on singing about surrender.

I have lived a life of surrender. We all have. We surrender to ourselves, or we surrender to God. We surrender to peer pressure. We surrender to desires. We surrender to laziness or busyness.

I closed my eyes and listened to the words of the song. I give up my dreams for myself. My dreams of fame, fortune, beauty, etc, and surrender to letting myself be used to bring God glory.

And He whispered these words into my soul:

12 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

You are my cloud of witnesses here in this life. So I will run this race. I will set aside the sin that doth so easily beset me, and RUN.

Not sure about the patience part, though. :-)